Get a career dear…

I’ve always envied those people who have known from a young age what they have wanted to do and pursued the right channels in education and life to get there. I never knew what I wanted to do, I think half the problem stems from having too much choice. To name a few I’ve wanted to be, an actress, an artist, a psychologist, a spaceman (until I watched that awful George clooney film where they spun so much it made me feel sick) a mermaid (that ones a long shot…but hey you’ve gotta have dreams) and everything in between. 

I had acting lessons when I was younger, for one term. I really enjoyed them but at the time I don’t think my mum could afford them and also told me that she didn’t think acting was a real career option for me…maybe she was right but they’ll always be an empty space on my shelf where that Oscar should’ve been 😉

One thing I’ve always loved is writing but I guess I never thought of it as a career option until a few years ago. I would love to be a published author one day. To see my words printed in an actual book…that one day may be turned into a play or a film that I (I mean real actors) could perform in. But again I get the doubts, will it be good enough? What if no one likes it? What’s the point you’ll never get published anyway?! So I don’t get any further than a few scrambled and rambling pages in a notebook. If you are a published author I take my metaphorical hat off to you…it’s hard work, but I imagine is so, so worth it! 

So basically what I’m trying to say in a round about way is, if you don’t know what career path you want to pursue yet – don’t worry we all get there in the end, it just takes some longer than others to realise their dreams…and even if your mum says you can’t do that…you can! Unless it’s like a serial killer or something…you definitely shouldn’t pursue that haha! So JK Rowling…watch out 😉 X 

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Two years ago…

Two years ago today was the last time I heard your voice before you became too medicated to speak. I told you how much I loved you and that you were my dad in my heart and always would be, how proud I was of you and that you were my idol. Even though MS had taken your body down bit by bit, your beautifully funny, sarcastic, spirited and clever mind never faltered. You ran a successful business even though you hadn’t left the house in years through being wheelchair bound, smoked like a trooper, washed down your medicine with a Jack Daniels and coke and always enjoyed life even though you were dealt some bad cards. Your laugh was infectious, your smile lit up the room. Although you could be a pain in the ass at times, like making me roll you 10,000 cigarettes a day (may be over reacting a little bit) I’d do it all over again for just one more day with you. Thank you for teaching me what a real dad should be. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for the true love you made my mum feel (I’ve never seen two people more made for each other than you two) and thank you just simply for coming into our lives. I love you and I miss you everyday. I may not have shared your blood but I shared your heart…and that’s more than enough for me. Two years ago I went to sleep holding your hand, you may not have woken up…but you live on everyday in my heart 💗 

All I ever wanted…

Have you seen the gorgeous Melimelo bags? There’s one that resonated with me so much. The slogan on it was ‘All I ever wanted was everything’ and I am so guilty of this. But what do you class as everything? Is anyone ever truly happy and satisfied with what they have? It’s human nature – we always want more.

When I was younger I used to think when I have the perfect house, car, clothes,figure and designer handbags coming out of my ears…that’s when i’ll have ‘made it.’ Approaching 30, renting, covering my lumps and bumps in primark leggings and barely being able to afford a gingerbread house – let alone the dream house on rightmove, I see now that that, in fact was not ‘everything.’

Seeing people I love, fighting just to stay alive, to have one more sniff of a loved ones head. To get oxygen into their lungs. To hear I love you one more time. You realise that however lovely it would be to have the materialistic items – none of it means anything really. You wont want to hug your designer shoes when the end comes, you wont be flicking through photo albums of your top spec cars, reminiscing about how much money you’ve spent over the years. It will be the people that you shared your life with, the ones you gave life too and the friends along the way…that’s who you’ll want there, that is what matters. Money may be able to buy you a certain amount of happiness but it cant buy you life.

I am very lucky to have been able to of had two beautiful children that I love with every atom of my being, I have a wonderful partner, mother, siblings and friends. My children have their health and I have mine to be able to look after them and watch them grow – and that, to me…is in fact – MY EVERYTHING.

Anxiety about my children’s safety…

I’ve not told anyone. I don’t quite fully understand it myself yet – but for the last few months I’ve been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks.I keep having feelings that something awful will happen to my children, like someone taking them, hurting them or hurting me when I’m with them on my own and I won’t be able to protect them. I’m not sure whether it’s because I have two of them now so I can’t give both my 100% attention at the exact same time? If you have eyes on one you’re not watching the other one and visa versa. It’s really annoying me, I know I’m being irrational but I don’t know what to do?! I’m fine with them on the school run but if we go shopping or (heavens forbid) the park I start to panic and get all flushed. Some days I’m absolutely fine & I’m okay if another adult is with us (my partner or my mum etc) but some days I can’t sleep properly and can’t get those thoughts out of my head no matter how hard I try. 

It seems to get worse at certain times of the month, I looked it up and it’s actually a thing. PMS anxiety. Apparently we get a rapid increase in the hormone Cortisol when our periods are due, which is linked to anxiety. There are the usual tips online about keeping a stable, healthy diet, taking relaxing time for yourself and doing excercise to help but to be honest – I like eating cake, it’s raining outside (any excuse not to excercise) and who has time to relax with two young kids?! I know – I’m not helping myself. 

I just feel like I want to wrap the children up safe, make indoors like Fort Knox and maybe get them gps micro chipped?! (I don’t think that’s a thing…but it should be!) 

Has anyone else experienced this sort of anxiety and if so what did you do about it? You probably dealt with it in a much more adult way then me *gathers children and goes to play in the den under the dinner table until further notice* 

I’m hoping these feelings will pass as quickly as they came but I’m not holding out much hope. X