Mean girls…

As it’s National ‘Mean girls’ day today…I thought this would be a perfect time to share my experience.

In my teens and *just* into my twenties I had been part of a big group of girl friends. We went on holidays together, laughed together and cried together. I loved having lots of friends, there was always someone there to talk to or give advice, always someone to meet up with if you were bored and I thought we’d always be friends. How wrong was I? 

Looking back on it now, it wasn’t as great as it seemed at the time. There was always bitchiness and jealousy among some of the group and girls would take sides with one and isolate the other etc. I always tried to stay neutral in those situations, I like everyone and anyone. I treat everyone with the same respect (sometimes more) than they give me, I was a lot softer by nature then, but now, if you cross me – You’ll know about it. 

That’s exactly what one of my *best* friends did. I was on holiday with another friend of mine and this so called best friend of mine slept with my *then* boyfriend! 

A friend out of our group told me what she’d done when we got back. I confronted her and she swore blindly that she hadn’t. I confronted him and he said the same. Naively, I believed them – either I was too young and dumb to see through them or they both deserve an Oscar. If she had come clean to me at the time and admitted it – it would’ve been him that I showed the door too, but she didn’t, she stayed quiet. She let me move in with this guy when she knew what they had done. 

He became more and more controlling and she became more and more distant (probably out of fear of me finding out the truth). So did the whole of the ‘gang.’ No one was there for me, no one was on my side. I was the one being isolated.

When I finally did see the light – after slip ups on both their parts – I spoke to her. I was crying, upset and I actually apologised to her! I wanted my girls back. Do you know what she said? ‘It’s too late for that, it just won’t work anymore, I don’t think we can be friends.’ She was the one in the wrong but somehow she was the one that got to keep all our ‘friends.’ She was definitely the ‘Regina George’ of our group! I was devestated (at first) but then I realised if they could just drop me like that, then they never really were very good ‘friends’ to begin with. 

So to sum up, do I miss my ‘sex and the city’ style girl gang? Sometimes yes…but overall no. I keep my circle a lot smaller these days with true friends who would – and have been – there for me in a crisis! Some girls can be so mean. So if you find yourself in a similar predicament, let those toxic people go…new people will come into your life and it’ll be even better than you could have ever imagined – you go Glen coco!! X 

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Here ear…

The past three weeks have been a little bit of a nightmare. 

My daughter was booked in to have her ears pinned back, her first ever operation. She handled it wonderfully…no tears…no drama…mummy on the other hand had a full on Kim K cry face sob when she went under the anesetic. I wondered if I was doing the right thing, hoping everything would go to plan and I could have her back with me soon. 

Once she was under I was handed a little buzzer…you know the ones you get in the harvester?…I was told when she was awake the buzzer would go off and I could retrieve my child, which made me feel like I was waiting for a table not my baby lol! 

The operation is classed as a day case, so once she was awake, eating and drinking again she was allowed to go home.

After taking the bandages off, one ear looked more sore and redder than the other one – but that was the one that was more prominent so we thought nothing of it. She had no temperature, no pain, nothing so we just cleaned it everyday and hoped it was getting better.

When we went for her one week post op check up – we were told that they were not happy with the redder ear and she would have to be operated on again right there and then. I had the baby with me, no clothes or anything for Lulu and I was a bit shocked that my little girl was about to have her second anesetic & operation within a week. 

When she awoke the second time, she was sore and sad and that made my heart sink. I was also told that she would be kept in for a few days on strong iv antibiotics as the ear is a hard place for antibiotics to get too. The baby was not allowed to stay at the hospital so luckily we had lots of great family members on board to take it in turns with me as to who would stay what nights. I wanted to be with her all the time but also didn’t want to leave the baby for too long so it was difficult, the more children you have the harder it is to split yourself in these sorts of situations.

Anyway Lulu felt fab in herself following the op and I think started to get cabin fever stuck in the hospital with the lovely weather outside. It was almost one week after the second op, her ear looked great, she was doing really well and I was expecting them to say we could go home but they dropped another bombshell…they wanted her fasted from that evening to possibly have a third surgery in the morning. 

I lost it by this point. The thought of her having to have a third surgery in two weeks when she was making great progress really really upset me. Thankfully the next morning the surgeon came round and said her ears looked great and we could *finally* go home! Which was great timing as we had a holiday to Devon booked for the following day and she so needed the sea air and change of scenery. We’ve still got two weeks of oral antibiotics to get through and we’re not necessarily out of the woods yet but we’re on holiday…her ears look fantastic…her confidence has grown and she’s so happy with them…although I’ve been told I need to learn how to do plaits now haha! X 

To all of the wonderful nhs staff that looked after my baby and helped to calm my nerves…thank you 💗

Get a career dear…

I’ve always envied those people who have known from a young age what they have wanted to do and pursued the right channels in education and life to get there. I never knew what I wanted to do, I think half the problem stems from having too much choice. To name a few I’ve wanted to be, an actress, an artist, a psychologist, a spaceman (until I watched that awful George clooney film where they spun so much it made me feel sick) a mermaid (that ones a long shot…but hey you’ve gotta have dreams) and everything in between. 

I had acting lessons when I was younger, for one term. I really enjoyed them but at the time I don’t think my mum could afford them and also told me that she didn’t think acting was a real career option for me…maybe she was right but they’ll always be an empty space on my shelf where that Oscar should’ve been 😉

One thing I’ve always loved is writing but I guess I never thought of it as a career option until a few years ago. I would love to be a published author one day. To see my words printed in an actual book…that one day may be turned into a play or a film that I (I mean real actors) could perform in. But again I get the doubts, will it be good enough? What if no one likes it? What’s the point you’ll never get published anyway?! So I don’t get any further than a few scrambled and rambling pages in a notebook. If you are a published author I take my metaphorical hat off to you…it’s hard work, but I imagine is so, so worth it! 

So basically what I’m trying to say in a round about way is, if you don’t know what career path you want to pursue yet – don’t worry we all get there in the end, it just takes some longer than others to realise their dreams…and even if your mum says you can’t do that…you can! Unless it’s like a serial killer or something…you definitely shouldn’t pursue that haha! So JK Rowling…watch out 😉 X 

Two years ago…

Two years ago today was the last time I heard your voice before you became too medicated to speak. I told you how much I loved you and that you were my dad in my heart and always would be, how proud I was of you and that you were my idol. Even though MS had taken your body down bit by bit, your beautifully funny, sarcastic, spirited and clever mind never faltered. You ran a successful business even though you hadn’t left the house in years through being wheelchair bound, smoked like a trooper, washed down your medicine with a Jack Daniels and coke and always enjoyed life even though you were dealt some bad cards. Your laugh was infectious, your smile lit up the room. Although you could be a pain in the ass at times, like making me roll you 10,000 cigarettes a day (may be over reacting a little bit) I’d do it all over again for just one more day with you. Thank you for teaching me what a real dad should be. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for the true love you made my mum feel (I’ve never seen two people more made for each other than you two) and thank you just simply for coming into our lives. I love you and I miss you everyday. I may not have shared your blood but I shared your heart…and that’s more than enough for me. Two years ago I went to sleep holding your hand, you may not have woken up…but you live on everyday in my heart 💗 

All I ever wanted…

Have you seen the gorgeous Melimelo bags? There’s one that resonated with me so much. The slogan on it was ‘All I ever wanted was everything’ and I am so guilty of this. But what do you class as everything? Is anyone ever truly happy and satisfied with what they have? It’s human nature – we always want more.

When I was younger I used to think when I have the perfect house, car, clothes,figure and designer handbags coming out of my ears…that’s when i’ll have ‘made it.’ Approaching 30, renting, covering my lumps and bumps in primark leggings and barely being able to afford a gingerbread house – let alone the dream house on rightmove, I see now that that, in fact was not ‘everything.’

Seeing people I love, fighting just to stay alive, to have one more sniff of a loved ones head. To get oxygen into their lungs. To hear I love you one more time. You realise that however lovely it would be to have the materialistic items – none of it means anything really. You wont want to hug your designer shoes when the end comes, you wont be flicking through photo albums of your top spec cars, reminiscing about how much money you’ve spent over the years. It will be the people that you shared your life with, the ones you gave life too and the friends along the way…that’s who you’ll want there, that is what matters. Money may be able to buy you a certain amount of happiness but it cant buy you life.

I am very lucky to have been able to of had two beautiful children that I love with every atom of my being, I have a wonderful partner, mother, siblings and friends. My children have their health and I have mine to be able to look after them and watch them grow – and that, to me…is in fact – MY EVERYTHING.

Anxiety about my children’s safety…

I’ve not told anyone. I don’t quite fully understand it myself yet – but for the last few months I’ve been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks.I keep having feelings that something awful will happen to my children, like someone taking them, hurting them or hurting me when I’m with them on my own and I won’t be able to protect them. I’m not sure whether it’s because I have two of them now so I can’t give both my 100% attention at the exact same time? If you have eyes on one you’re not watching the other one and visa versa. It’s really annoying me, I know I’m being irrational but I don’t know what to do?! I’m fine with them on the school run but if we go shopping or (heavens forbid) the park I start to panic and get all flushed. Some days I’m absolutely fine & I’m okay if another adult is with us (my partner or my mum etc) but some days I can’t sleep properly and can’t get those thoughts out of my head no matter how hard I try. 

It seems to get worse at certain times of the month, I looked it up and it’s actually a thing. PMS anxiety. Apparently we get a rapid increase in the hormone Cortisol when our periods are due, which is linked to anxiety. There are the usual tips online about keeping a stable, healthy diet, taking relaxing time for yourself and doing excercise to help but to be honest – I like eating cake, it’s raining outside (any excuse not to excercise) and who has time to relax with two young kids?! I know – I’m not helping myself. 

I just feel like I want to wrap the children up safe, make indoors like Fort Knox and maybe get them gps micro chipped?! (I don’t think that’s a thing…but it should be!) 

Has anyone else experienced this sort of anxiety and if so what did you do about it? You probably dealt with it in a much more adult way then me *gathers children and goes to play in the den under the dinner table until further notice* 

I’m hoping these feelings will pass as quickly as they came but I’m not holding out much hope. X