Two years ago…

Two years ago today was the last time I heard your voice before you became too medicated to speak. I told you how much I loved you and that you were my dad in my heart and always would be, how proud I was of you and that you were my idol. Even though MS had taken your body down bit by bit, your beautifully funny, sarcastic, spirited and clever mind never faltered. You ran a successful business even though you hadn’t left the house in years through being wheelchair bound, smoked like a trooper, washed down your medicine with a Jack Daniels and coke and always enjoyed life even though you were dealt some bad cards. Your laugh was infectious, your smile lit up the room. Although you could be a pain in the ass at times, like making me roll you 10,000 cigarettes a day (may be over reacting a little bit) I’d do it all over again for just one more day with you. Thank you for teaching me what a real dad should be. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for the true love you made my mum feel (I’ve never seen two people more made for each other than you two) and thank you just simply for coming into our lives. I love you and I miss you everyday. I may not have shared your blood but I shared your heart…and that’s more than enough for me. Two years ago I went to sleep holding your hand, you may not have woken up…but you live on everyday in my heart 💗 

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What’s your emergency?…

Recently I’ve been teaching my six year old about what to do in an emergency. You hear these stories about the wonderful and brave children that have saved a parents, siblings or a friends life and although I hope she’s never in a situation where she has to do that – I want her to have an understanding of what to do if she is.

Firstly, I started off with 999 and told her if there was a fire, a burglar, someone was choking or hurt to call that number. She asked ‘How will I know who I need out of an ambulance, fire engine or a police officer?’ I said that someone would answer the phone and if you were unsure who you needed to just tell the operator what’s happened and they will send out whoever they think is most appropriate to deal with the situation you describe to them.

As many of us do, I have a password lock on my mobile phone and if I was unable or incapable of making the call she would have to do it. She knows my password but in a stressful situation she might forget it so I showed her how you can still make an emergency call on a locked I-phone.

Incase you were unaware, when you swipe to unlock your phone two options come up at the bottom corners, cancel or emergency. I told her to press on emergency and then (in an emergency) call 999. You can also set up your ‘Medical ID’ so if something had happened to you, a doctor or nurse etc would be able to contact whoever you had put as your emergency contact numbers and tell them where you were and if you were okay. You can also put down if you take any medications or are allergic to anything so they don’t give you any medication that could potentially do more harm than good.

I don’t know if six is too young to teach her this, I think you can gage for yourself whether you think your child is mature enough to know what you’re telling them and only use it in a life or death situation or whether they’ll start calling 999 every time you refuse to buy them a kinder egg while out shopping! But, in all seriousness I was trying to equip her with some potentially life saving knowledge as I know she can handle it.

I read recently that St John Ambulance are trying to get first aid taught to school children and I definitely think that should happen. You never know what’s around the corner and I think we should all be a bit more clued up on how to help people in any medical or emergency situation…You never know – it could just be your life they help save! x

All I ever wanted…

Have you seen the gorgeous Melimelo bags? There’s one that resonated with me so much. The slogan on it was ‘All I ever wanted was everything’ and I am so guilty of this. But what do you class as everything? Is anyone ever truly happy and satisfied with what they have? It’s human nature – we always want more.

When I was younger I used to think when I have the perfect house, car, clothes,figure and designer handbags coming out of my ears…that’s when i’ll have ‘made it.’ Approaching 30, renting, covering my lumps and bumps in primark leggings and barely being able to afford a gingerbread house – let alone the dream house on rightmove, I see now that that, in fact was not ‘everything.’

Seeing people I love, fighting just to stay alive, to have one more sniff of a loved ones head. To get oxygen into their lungs. To hear I love you one more time. You realise that however lovely it would be to have the materialistic items – none of it means anything really. You wont want to hug your designer shoes when the end comes, you wont be flicking through photo albums of your top spec cars, reminiscing about how much money you’ve spent over the years. It will be the people that you shared your life with, the ones you gave life too and the friends along the way…that’s who you’ll want there, that is what matters. Money may be able to buy you a certain amount of happiness but it cant buy you life.

I am very lucky to have been able to of had two beautiful children that I love with every atom of my being, I have a wonderful partner, mother, siblings and friends. My children have their health and I have mine to be able to look after them and watch them grow – and that, to me…is in fact – MY EVERYTHING.

Christmas past…

I miss the Christmas of the past. Selection boxes were a proper present and the only thing I wanted most in the whole world was a Furby (which I got). You’d have family members coming out of your ear holes there were so many. I remember sitting round that table looking up in awe of everyone being together, merry, full of love – or baileys (or both). 

Year after year of grandads war stories & him falling asleep after dinner clutching my new teddy, uncle stu telling us funny anecdotes or stories about who he was dating at the time, my lovely step dad laughing and drinking a JD and coke, mum and nan pottering around in the kitchen and dancing, my little brother playing with his toys and when she finally came into the world (when I was 16) my little sister being handed around the table like pass the parcel. 

Those days were my happy place. The thing I looked forward to every year. Fast forward the last 10 years and we’ve lost a lot. Grandad went first, followed by nan a year later. Mum and her brother subsequently had a falling out, each year our table decreasing by one. For a few years it was just us; Mum, Mark (my step dad) me, Little bro and sis and that was fine. Then my daughter came along 6 years ago, a brand new addition and another (high) chair around the table. 

Two years ago we were dealt the biggest blow yet. My stepdad Mark passed away after a long battle with MS. He was 52. The following Christmas was the hardest. I lost my Christmas spirit and I don’t think I’ve fully regained it yet. I know I’m lucky to still have my mum, brother, sister, daughter and now my partner and baby boy at the table, but I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness because the ones we’ve lost aren’t there. 

Christmas is not the same. It never will be, but now I get to see it through my beautiful babies eyes. Their nans, grandads, aunties, uncles, sisters, brothers, mums and dads. They’ll have those moments, hear those stories and I hope they cherish them because one day those people won’t be at the table, but your memories will stay with you always. Take lots of pictures, listen to every story, laugh and tell them you love them. Merry Christmas everyone x 


My brother and I in the 90’s 😱😂