Get a career dear…

I’ve always envied those people who have known from a young age what they have wanted to do and pursued the right channels in education and life to get there. I never knew what I wanted to do, I think half the problem stems from having too much choice. To name a few I’ve wanted to be, an actress, an artist, a psychologist, a spaceman (until I watched that awful George clooney film where they spun so much it made me feel sick) a mermaid (that ones a long shot…but hey you’ve gotta have dreams) and everything in between. 

I had acting lessons when I was younger, for one term. I really enjoyed them but at the time I don’t think my mum could afford them and also told me that she didn’t think acting was a real career option for me…maybe she was right but they’ll always be an empty space on my shelf where that Oscar should’ve been 😉

One thing I’ve always loved is writing but I guess I never thought of it as a career option until a few years ago. I would love to be a published author one day. To see my words printed in an actual book…that one day may be turned into a play or a film that I (I mean real actors) could perform in. But again I get the doubts, will it be good enough? What if no one likes it? What’s the point you’ll never get published anyway?! So I don’t get any further than a few scrambled and rambling pages in a notebook. If you are a published author I take my metaphorical hat off to you…it’s hard work, but I imagine is so, so worth it! 

So basically what I’m trying to say in a round about way is, if you don’t know what career path you want to pursue yet – don’t worry we all get there in the end, it just takes some longer than others to realise their dreams…and even if your mum says you can’t do that…you can! Unless it’s like a serial killer or something…you definitely shouldn’t pursue that haha! So JK Rowling…watch out 😉 X 

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Two years ago…

Two years ago today was the last time I heard your voice before you became too medicated to speak. I told you how much I loved you and that you were my dad in my heart and always would be, how proud I was of you and that you were my idol. Even though MS had taken your body down bit by bit, your beautifully funny, sarcastic, spirited and clever mind never faltered. You ran a successful business even though you hadn’t left the house in years through being wheelchair bound, smoked like a trooper, washed down your medicine with a Jack Daniels and coke and always enjoyed life even though you were dealt some bad cards. Your laugh was infectious, your smile lit up the room. Although you could be a pain in the ass at times, like making me roll you 10,000 cigarettes a day (may be over reacting a little bit) I’d do it all over again for just one more day with you. Thank you for teaching me what a real dad should be. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for the true love you made my mum feel (I’ve never seen two people more made for each other than you two) and thank you just simply for coming into our lives. I love you and I miss you everyday. I may not have shared your blood but I shared your heart…and that’s more than enough for me. Two years ago I went to sleep holding your hand, you may not have woken up…but you live on everyday in my heart 💗 

All I ever wanted…

Have you seen the gorgeous Melimelo bags? There’s one that resonated with me so much. The slogan on it was ‘All I ever wanted was everything’ and I am so guilty of this. But what do you class as everything? Is anyone ever truly happy and satisfied with what they have? It’s human nature – we always want more.

When I was younger I used to think when I have the perfect house, car, clothes,figure and designer handbags coming out of my ears…that’s when i’ll have ‘made it.’ Approaching 30, renting, covering my lumps and bumps in primark leggings and barely being able to afford a gingerbread house – let alone the dream house on rightmove, I see now that that, in fact was not ‘everything.’

Seeing people I love, fighting just to stay alive, to have one more sniff of a loved ones head. To get oxygen into their lungs. To hear I love you one more time. You realise that however lovely it would be to have the materialistic items – none of it means anything really. You wont want to hug your designer shoes when the end comes, you wont be flicking through photo albums of your top spec cars, reminiscing about how much money you’ve spent over the years. It will be the people that you shared your life with, the ones you gave life too and the friends along the way…that’s who you’ll want there, that is what matters. Money may be able to buy you a certain amount of happiness but it cant buy you life.

I am very lucky to have been able to of had two beautiful children that I love with every atom of my being, I have a wonderful partner, mother, siblings and friends. My children have their health and I have mine to be able to look after them and watch them grow – and that, to me…is in fact – MY EVERYTHING.

Christmas past…

I miss the Christmas of the past. Selection boxes were a proper present and the only thing I wanted most in the whole world was a Furby (which I got). You’d have family members coming out of your ear holes there were so many. I remember sitting round that table looking up in awe of everyone being together, merry, full of love – or baileys (or both). 

Year after year of grandads war stories & him falling asleep after dinner clutching my new teddy, uncle stu telling us funny anecdotes or stories about who he was dating at the time, my lovely step dad laughing and drinking a JD and coke, mum and nan pottering around in the kitchen and dancing, my little brother playing with his toys and when she finally came into the world (when I was 16) my little sister being handed around the table like pass the parcel. 

Those days were my happy place. The thing I looked forward to every year. Fast forward the last 10 years and we’ve lost a lot. Grandad went first, followed by nan a year later. Mum and her brother subsequently had a falling out, each year our table decreasing by one. For a few years it was just us; Mum, Mark (my step dad) me, Little bro and sis and that was fine. Then my daughter came along 6 years ago, a brand new addition and another (high) chair around the table. 

Two years ago we were dealt the biggest blow yet. My stepdad Mark passed away after a long battle with MS. He was 52. The following Christmas was the hardest. I lost my Christmas spirit and I don’t think I’ve fully regained it yet. I know I’m lucky to still have my mum, brother, sister, daughter and now my partner and baby boy at the table, but I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness because the ones we’ve lost aren’t there. 

Christmas is not the same. It never will be, but now I get to see it through my beautiful babies eyes. Their nans, grandads, aunties, uncles, sisters, brothers, mums and dads. They’ll have those moments, hear those stories and I hope they cherish them because one day those people won’t be at the table, but your memories will stay with you always. Take lots of pictures, listen to every story, laugh and tell them you love them. Merry Christmas everyone x 


My brother and I in the 90’s 😱😂

To donate, or not to donate…that is the question

This week I signed the organ donation register and received my donor card. I’ve been meaning to do it for a long time & I’m  not quite sure what stopped me. Maybe it was my own morbid anxieties about the thought of not being here anymore and a ridiculous thought I used to have. I thought they wouldn’t try as hard to save me as someone who wasn’t on the list (Crazy right?!) but becoming a mother and knowing that if my babies (God forbid) or I ever needed a transplant we would accept one gave me the kick up the a** I needed to get on the list. What good would they be to me once I’m gone? The only thing I was unsure about donating was my eyes but after speaking to my mum she made a very valid point that at least I’d still be able to see the world…every cloud eyy?! 
I’m not trying to sway your decision by any means, it’s a very personal choice but if you are thinking about it – just do it. Someone very close to my heart is on that waiting list so I know how important donations are imagine leaving your legacy as a life saver 💗 

The New year started with a bang…

And no…I don’t mean all the fireworks – my boiler literally exploded with a huge bang just as I was about to head out on New Year’s Eve drenching me…and my whole flat in about 4 inches of water! Needless to say I was not really in the party spirit after that. That’s kind of why I haven’t been on here for a while, that and a few other things I’ll tell you about soon. But the great news is…I’ve met a new guy – he’s lovely 💜 we’ve been together just over 4 months now, the time has flown by! 

Hope you’ve all been keeping well and all the mummies out there have had a wonderful Mother’s Day! I got some beautiful cards and flowers from Lulu and we rounded off the day with big cuddles on the sofa and a ‘dramatic reading’ of Love you forever (if you’re a friends fan you’ll know) it’s such a beautiful children’s book. 

I just wanted to check in and say I haven’t forgotten about you and (in the voice of good old Arnie) ‘I’ll be back!’ 😉 x

Welcome to my world…

Firstly, thank you for even looking at my blog! It’s very early days so there’s not much on here yet…but there will be…stick with me 😉 I’ll be blogging about everything from parenting, dating disasters, things my daughter and I enjoy doing, creative and crafty tips and ideas, they’ll probably be a lot of photographs (just to let you know lol) fashion, my uncontrollable broodiness, hopes, dreams and everything else in between! Have a great day and come back again soon x